Books of Interest
Website: chetyarbrough.blog
The State of Affairs
Author: Esther Perel
Narrated By: Esther Perel
Esther Perel (Author, Belgian-American psychotherapist.)
Esther Perel has written a difficult book to listen to. It is about human relationship, focusing on love, desire, and sexual behavior. Perel begins with a history of the evolution of marriage in prosperous western nations. Though equality of women is far from accomplished, their entry into the postindustrial world is dramatically changing sexual relationships. The days of men treating women as objects is not over but gradually moving toward sexual equality.
Sexual inequality.
Normal human beings (whatever that means) experience some form of love or desire that elicits sexual behavior. Perel’s book is difficult because she holds a mirror up to every human being that exposes their inner failings as adults and maturing children. The difficulty comes from reviewing one’s own life when listening to her clinical analysis of infidelity, affairs, a victim-villain analysis, and sexual desire that permeates most human lives.
Traditional moral beliefs are zero-sum judgements of sexual desire and experience.
Perel tries to remove judgement by not saying infidelity is not a sin but a psychological and relational failing of human beings. She suggests infidelity is caused by unmet emotional needs, personal identity struggles, and/or a search for eternal vitality. This, in many ways, is no less devastating to one’s relationship even if it is characterized as a sin. Infidelity is a personal failure whether one is judged by a religious person or a psychotherapist who may not believe in divine judgement.
Perel believes humans are constantly seeking meaning in their lives.
We don’t just want to survive. Our cultures and histories have shaped us. We are erotic human beings, searching for security, vitality, imagination, and joy. Perel recognizes people can love their partners and still have a sexual desire for others. Recognizing the lure of sexual desire, Perel notes fidelity becomes a choice that offers an anchor and depth of understanding in a committed relationship. She notes betrayal has consequences while fidelity is a powerful container for sexual pleasure, if not love, and another kind of relationship growth.
Fundamentally, Perel is saying fidelity is important despite a marriage partner’s sexual desire for others.
She gives examples of therapeutic sessions of couples who have extramarital affairs that violate their presumptive marriage covenants. A betrayal can be by either partner, but the loss of trust is often irreparable. Because marriage has become less about economics and social stability, though both are still present, Perel infers married partners are emotionally more devastated by betrayal.
In modern times, Perel argues people marry for love, intimacy and personal growth more than economic security.
She suggests communal structures have weakened and community support is lost when a marriage falls apart. That rings true based on the mobility of people in the modern age. It has become much more common for people to leave the areas in which they were raised. Modern marriage expectation has become a way to provide security and freedom with stability and novelty. In Perel’s opinion, these paradoxical expectations were of less concern in the past but of central concern today.
This listener is inclined to have reservations about Perel’s assessment of present-day marriage and infidelity because of women’s inequality of opportunity, i.e., the same reality that exists for many in America.
REVIEWS AND VIEWS OF LIFE 