Tag: marriage

RELATIONSHIP EVOLUTION

Modern marriage expectation has become a way to provide security and freedom with stability and novelty. In Perel’s opinion, these paradoxical expectations were of less concern in the past but of central concern today.

Books of Interest
 Website: chetyarbrough.blog

The State of Affairs

Author: Esther Perel

Narrated By: Esther Perel

Esther Perel (Author, Belgian-American psychotherapist.)

Esther Perel has written a difficult book to listen to. It is about human relationship, focusing on love, desire, and sexual behavior. Perel begins with a history of the evolution of marriage in prosperous western nations. Though equality of women is far from accomplished, their entry into the postindustrial world is dramatically changing sexual relationships. The days of men treating women as objects is not over but gradually moving toward sexual equality.

Sexual inequality.

Normal human beings (whatever that means) experience some form of love or desire that elicits sexual behavior. Perel’s book is difficult because she holds a mirror up to every human being that exposes their inner failings as adults and maturing children. The difficulty comes from reviewing one’s own life when listening to her clinical analysis of infidelity, affairs, a victim-villain analysis, and sexual desire that permeates most human lives.

Traditional moral beliefs are zero-sum judgements of sexual desire and experience.

Perel tries to remove judgement by not saying infidelity is not a sin but a psychological and relational failing of human beings. She suggests infidelity is caused by unmet emotional needs, personal identity struggles, and/or a search for eternal vitality. This, in many ways, is no less devastating to one’s relationship even if it is characterized as a sin. Infidelity is a personal failure whether one is judged by a religious person or a psychotherapist who may not believe in divine judgement.

Perel believes humans are constantly seeking meaning in their lives.

We don’t just want to survive. Our cultures and histories have shaped us. We are erotic human beings, searching for security, vitality, imagination, and joy. Perel recognizes people can love their partners and still have a sexual desire for others. Recognizing the lure of sexual desire, Perel notes fidelity becomes a choice that offers an anchor and depth of understanding in a committed relationship. She notes betrayal has consequences while fidelity is a powerful container for sexual pleasure, if not love, and another kind of relationship growth.

Fundamentally, Perel is saying fidelity is important despite a marriage partner’s sexual desire for others.

She gives examples of therapeutic sessions of couples who have extramarital affairs that violate their presumptive marriage covenants. A betrayal can be by either partner, but the loss of trust is often irreparable. Because marriage has become less about economics and social stability, though both are still present, Perel infers married partners are emotionally more devastated by betrayal.

In modern times, Perel argues people marry for love, intimacy and personal growth more than economic security.

She suggests communal structures have weakened and community support is lost when a marriage falls apart. That rings true based on the mobility of people in the modern age. It has become much more common for people to leave the areas in which they were raised. Modern marriage expectation has become a way to provide security and freedom with stability and novelty. In Perel’s opinion, these paradoxical expectations were of less concern in the past but of central concern today.

This listener is inclined to have reservations about Perel’s assessment of present-day marriage and infidelity because of women’s inequality of opportunity, i.e., the same reality that exists for many in America.

SEXUAL INEQUALITY

Emily Witt illustrates how undesirable sexual inequality is for the future of American society. Witt explains events in her life that have led her to become a successful author. Witt’s life experiences are like the events in every human’s life but without the unfair burden of sexual inequality.

Books of Interest
 Website: chetyarbrough.blog

Health and Safety (A Breakdown)

By: Emily Witt

Narrated By: Emily Witt

Emily Witt (Author, investigative journalist based in Brooklyn, worked as a staff writer for The New Yorker.)

Emily Witt is born two generations after this reviewer’s youth. It is a refreshing look at the great changes and similarities between my generation and Ms. Witt’s. The big difference is Ms. Witt is an attractive woman, not a man. Her life, in many ways, is unlike women of past generations but similar to men of my generation. She writes of her life, of experimenting with drugs, being in and out of serious and not-so-serious sexual relationships and striving for success in today’s America.

Witt is representative of societal change in America.

On the one hand she shows the independence and growing equality of the sexes. Liberated from the stereotypes of women as bearers of children and keepers of home and hearth, Witt’s story is like what American men’s lives were two generations ago. Her life today reminds one of a man’s life in the 1960s. She shows an understanding of the difference between love and sex but seems neither consumed nor controlled by either sex or love’s existence. She chooses her own path in life. There is strength and weakness in her character just as there is in all human beings.

The other side of her story is the consequence of sexual equality and its impact on culture.

In women’s liberation something is gained and lost. The gain is in women’s opportunity. It is time for men to step up and take equal responsibility for family comity, stability, and growth. One who did not come from an Ozzie and Harriet family but from a single parent family sees the strength of liberation of women but wonders what is lost by children raised by single parents in America. Do children become more or less dependent on others as a result of being raised by a single parent? In some ways they become more independent but in others they become socially isolated and culturally inept. That social isolation and ineptness has future consequences for children of single parent homes. Women are rightfully liberated from being the sole responsible parent for children’s care, but fathers are failing to pick up the slack.

Though juvenile delinquency is shown to have decreased in America, the education and success of children begins at home. More responsibility must be taken by fathers for teaching societal values and behavior to children. By taking equal responsibility, fathers will reinvigorate American society. Without a reorientation of men’s lives in American families, i.e., acceptance of family responsibility and women’s equality, American democracy’s economic and social success will be diminished.

The current political environment in America is trying to return the economy and society to the twentieth century, a fool’s errand.

Witt illustrates how undesirable sexual inequality is for the future of American society. Witt explains events in her life that have led her to become a successful author. Witt’s life experiences are like the events in every human’s life but without the unfair burden of sexual inequality.

Addendum: The most troubling part of Witt’s story is the feeling that her generation is failing American society by withdrawing into themselves with drugs to avoid dealing with the problems of the 21st century. Experimenting with drugs is one thing but using them to escape America’s problems is a disappointment to this aged survivor of the baby boom generation.